Station Buffet | Fun and Stuff

 

Jokes 11

Be very proud to be British Because:

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!

 

I've just got back from a muslim birthday party...................
bloody hell.........
pass the parcel was over quick

 

Dear Paddy

Just a few lines to let you know that I?m still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. You won't recognise the house when you get back, we have moved.

About your father, he has started a new job with over 500 people under him, he's cutting the grass in the cemetery. There was a washing machine in the new home when we moved in but I don't think it is working properly. I put in two of your fathers shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

I have just heard that your sister has had a baby, but I don't know if it is a boy or a girl so I can't tell you if you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Paddy Jr drowned last week in a vat of whiskey. All his work mates at the Dublin Brewery tried to save him but he fought them of very bravely. They cremated his body and took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the Doctors last week and your father came with me. The doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 15 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him offering him £200. It only rained twice last week, first for 3 days and second for 4. I wanted to put £10 in with this letter, for you to have a pint on me but your father already sealed the envelope. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your loving mother

XXX

 

Carl goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Carl, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."

Carl is devastated. "Doctor, what can I do ?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, a plate of baked beans, 20 un-peeled carrots covered in tomato salsa, 10 jalapeno peppers, 5 corn-on-the- cobs, 40 walnuts and peanuts, a box of branflakes, chicken tikka, and I want you to wash it down with a couple of pints of prune juice."

"Will that cure me ?" asks Carl hopefully.

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will teach you what your arse is for."

 

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I'll get the manager as soon as I can."

"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where's the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you've come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager. "What's it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What's it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
"The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What's that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn't asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist's language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

""Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

 

 

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