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Jokes 13

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, Find a place for your shit, Or
be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and
chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the
fan.

You can't give a shit.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you
feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a
paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English
language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, if  you don't
give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A
Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you
happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........

Well, shit happens!

 

Words Women use

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVA

It's a woman's way of saying *!# @ YOU!

 

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny.

 

Scenario.
A girl and boy have been having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we make love, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

 

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

 

 

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