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Jokes 14

So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called the AA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem.

The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.

Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag, and shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream!"

 

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on, Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?"
"Yes .."
"Well ... that was me."

 

Monica Lewinski goes to the dry cleaners and puts a dress up on the counter.
She says to the man, "I'd like to get this dress cleaned."
The dry cleaner, who is nearly deaf, says, "Come again, Miss?"
"No," she replied. "This time it's mayonnaise."

 

A guy got a new car radio so he only had to say the type of music and it would come on. So one day, he decided to try it out. He said "Jazz" and jazz came on.
Then after a while, he got sick of that and said "Hip-Hop" and Hip-Hop came on.
He went to the shops and saw 3 kids kicking the shit out of a phone box. He said angrily, "Fucking kids!" and Michael Jackson came on.

 

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

 

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."  
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."  
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

 

A lady walks into a Jaguar dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line XK and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!!!

 

Tony Blair is giving John Presscot his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed, in Iraq"

"OH NO!" the Presscot exclaims. "That's terrible!"

Blair sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as Presscot sits, head in hands.

Finally, Presscott looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

Jack's grandfather left him ten million pounds, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million pounds when he died"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who left you the money!"

 

 

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