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Jokes 17

An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive,the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

When they arrived at heaven they were shown to luxurious accomodation, at the end of the garden was a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

The man turned to his wife and said "You dozy cow..........if it wasn't for you and your fucking health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"

 

Do you realise that if the pilgrims had first shot a wild cat instead of turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Christmas

 

Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute ?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

 

While walking down the street one day a John Presscot is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says Presscot.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says Presscot.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with Presscot joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

Presscot reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I?d be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... today you voted ."

 

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She w as afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told to.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

You're not sure of:

THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes."

THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide."

THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."

THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again."

THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

THE TELEPHONE ENGINEER because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . Turn side ways and look in the mirror!

 

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d#ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I could save you a grand here....."

 

 

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