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Jokes 3

A guy owns a horse farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"
The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"
The Dwarf replies "A female horth"
The owner shows him a Mare.
"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.
"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

Tony Blair called Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."
"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Prescott.
"Well," said Blair, "We'll get ourselves one of those Barbour jacket, some boots, a stick and an Acura hat, oh and a Sheep Dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the countryside."
"Right PM," said Prescott. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite dog, they set off from Sedgefield in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical country pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"Good Morning mate," said Tony, to the bartender, "two pints of your best beer."
"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the barman, "two pints of our best coming up".
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old farmer, complete with stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail with the stick and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer with his stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old farming custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a sheep dog in this bar with two ****holes!"

 

A novice monk joins a monastery and is put to work as the other monks copying their ancient manuscripts, to spread the word of the Lord.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

 

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

 

Q : How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it... Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves ,
1 ass,
and an unknown number of hares. And of course one pussy.

 

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.'' The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But, I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so.
Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?'' ''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

 

 

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