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Jokes 4

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in Bridlington. The mother was trying to hail a taxi, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her taxi and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The taxi driver, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think taxi drivers come from?"

 

Two dyslexic's in a car.
One say's to the other, " Can u smell petrol?"
"Don't be a dick, I can't even smell my own name"...

 

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical ( SM ) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical ( SL ) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM : Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM : It's not working.
SL : Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL : The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM : Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

 

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

 

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!"

 

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that 2d in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 4d."
"The next morning, I invested those 4d in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 8d. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of £1 3s 8d."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million pounds."

 

Ironic Celebrity Deaths...

Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
Madonna - Exposure
Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
Tony Blair - Dutch Elm Disease
Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window

 

 

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