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Jokes 5

A man takes his cross-eyed dog to the vet. The vet picks him up and examines him for a while and the vet says "I'm going to have to put this dog down." "What? Because he is cross-eyed?" No, because he is getting heavy."

 

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "fu** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

 

A man has this wife who really has let herself go, and frankly, he's gone off the boil.
The woman is very upset that he never appraoches her for anything more than a cup of tea or to mend his sweaty socks so she calls up a friend for advice.
Her friend is a true friend indeed, and tells the woman that she has turned into something of a slattern.
"You don't dress up, or look after yourself like you used to," she explains, "and no wonder Charlie isn't interested any more."
"So what can I do?" wails the wife and her friend gives her some ideas.
Charlie comes in that afternoon and she is all dolled up to the nines, a whip lies on the sofa, and she is dressed in a skimpy negligee. In her hand are some handcuffs.
"Tie me up darling, and then do whatever you want!" she invites him.
So, he ties her up....
And goes fishing.

 

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

 

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

 

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

 

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

 

Man walks into a pub, goes upto the barman and orders a pint of beer. He takes his pint and sits down to read his paper.
10 minutes later in walks a woman, the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. She goes to the bar and orders a drink, takes it and sits down in the corner.
Eventually the man finishes his pint, at the same time the woman goes to the bar to get another drink.
At this point the man thinks to himself "This is it, this is my chance to chat to her"
So he goes to the bar orders a pint and she starts chatting to him.
As it turns out she's been checking him out as well, working out how to approach him.
So, they start dating and fall madly in love.
A few years down the line they're getting married.
The groom is stood at the altar, feeling nervous but excited.
The doors to the church swing open and in walks the brides father, he's walking straight for the groom.
He puts his arm around his shoulder's, smiles and says;
"I like you, my wife likes you, my daughter loves you, your good for my daughter and my family"
The groom smiles.
The father then says; "there is however one small problem"
"what's that?" asks the man
"well, she's got a slight problem, you see she's got acute angina"
laughing, the man says;
"oh yeah I know.....................she's also got a cracking pair of tits"

 

 

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