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Jokes 7

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked!
"Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"
The meteorologist responded! "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied! "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter."
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied! "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.
The weatherman replied! "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign

 

There was a priest of a small parish, and over the years, he had grown quite a congregation.  In fact, it was so large, that most Sundays it was standing room only.  One Sunday, while the priest was delivering his homily, the area fire marshall came in to the church.
"I'm sorry father, I'm going to have to shut you down," said the marshall.
The poor priest was taken aback.  "But why?"
"There are far too many people in this church, and it's presenting a fire hazard.  Should something tragic happen, the people would trample each other to death trying to get out."
"You mean . . .?", said the father. 
"Yes, I'm afraid you've reached critical mass." 

 

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just her and I
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I don't know how but I tried my best
To put my hands upon her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
As she slowly spread her legs apart
And then I did it I felt no shame
All at once some milky white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever

Milking a cow

 

2 CD's for Sale. Which one would you buy, Titanic or the Clinton CD's?
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories ...

TITANIC CD's: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON CD's: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC CD's: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON CD's: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC CD's: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON CD's: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC CD's: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON CD's: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC CD's: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON CD's: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC CD's: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON CD's: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC CD's: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON CD's: Let's not go there.

TITANIC CD's: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON CD's: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC CD's: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON CD's: Monica doesn't remember jack.

TITANIC CD's: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON CD's: Monica ... oh, never mind.

TITANIC CD's: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON CD's: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically, the same ending.

 

Boxing legend Muhammad Ali was photographed using a Zimmer frame to leave his Manhattan hotel yesterday.
He's been looking for a marketing gimmick to try and match the money George Foreman has made with his famous grill collection.
Manufacturers of cocktails shakers have expressed an interest.

 

New York has been hit by heavy blizzards,  transport in the city has been made virtually impossible.
People are using Skis to walk, trains are cancelled, roads are closed, and pilots can't see which building to fly into.

 

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says,"Excellent !"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says,"Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's manhood." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

"Not bad," says the golf pro, "Now try taking the club out of your mouth."

 

A salesman was driving through a small town in Australia when he had an urgent need to go for a crap. He stopped at a pub and asked the barman, where's your toilets mate, the barman replied in the yard mate.
The salesman rushed into the yard now desperate for a crap and saw two twenty foot high piles of shit with a ladder leant up against each pile and a chair on top of each pile.
He climbed one of the ladders dropped his trousers sat down and started to shit. He looked up and saw an old man on the other pile of shit staring at him.
The old man said "Howdy stranger"
The salesman said "How do you know I'm a stranger in town?"
The old man replied, "Because you're in the ladies toilet"

 

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realised that ball-point pens wouldn't work in zero gravity.

A million dollar investment and two years of test resulted in a pen that could write in space, upside-down, on almost any surface and at temperatures from sub-zero to 300 degrees.

When confronted with the same problem the Russians took a pencil.

 

 

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