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It seems that when the creator was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only 20 years?"
But the Creator didn't budge. That was all he would give him.
Then he called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
But I don't need 20 years," the monkey protested. "Ten is plenty."
Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the other 10 years?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then he called the Lion and gave him 20 years.
The lion, too, only needed 10 years. Again Man said, "Can I have the other 10 years?"
The Lion roared. "Of course."
Then came the donkey. He was given 20 years, but like the others, 10 years was enough.
Man asked for the spare 10 years and got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years of Lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of himself.
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he's only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort made his way down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen.
There, spread out the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. His aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Get off!" she snapped, "they're for the funeral."
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I'll go one further than those mainland bastards!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
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