Station Buffet | Fun and Stuff

 

Oneliners

 

Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

Q. Why did the Irishman wear 2 condoms?
A.To be sure, to be sure.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie ?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

Q: What do you call a fat man in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other ?
A: Eileen

Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Irene

Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs?
A: DragonLips

Q: What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with 'c', ends with 't' ?
A: A coconut

Q: What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out ?
A: Chewing gum.

Q. What do asylum seekers and sperm have in common ?
A. Millions of the little buggers flood in, but only one works...

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Support bacteria! (they're the only culture some people have).

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 kilos.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Range Rover?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Women will, at some time in their life, have intelligent DNA in their body.
95% of them will then spit it out.

Sex is like poker... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

DEJA MOO: The feeling you've heard this BULL SHIT before

A gunman has been going around London shooting Sikhs. They are calling him the Turbanator!

A bloke with two left feet is going on holiday, he bought a pair of flip-flips

An ancient tampon was found in the caves today. The archaeologists are not sure which period it's from

Girls: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

What do you call an afghan virgin
Never Bin Laid On

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the knickers.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Q: What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

I lay upon a grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver. I slowly undid here suspender belt,
and here leg fell in the river - A poem by Sir Paul McCartney

If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

Why do mice have small balls? Cos not many of them can dance.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I shall now ask my colleague to tell you how good I am at delegating.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £3.95 per minute.

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You got to have a lot of balls, to play golf the way I do!

The workers at the mint went on strike today to make less money.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and start looking comfortable.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I bought one of those new microwave fireplaces. Last night I kept warm all night in 30 seconds.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!

My folks went to Turin and all I got was a lousy shroud.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Q Whats the definition of a lesbian?
A Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

 

 

 

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